You Might Be A Redneck If...

[ellanoize]

You Might Be A Redneck If...

Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.

You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.

Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45's.

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.

The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.

You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.

Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.

You think subdivision is part of a math problem.

You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.

You think the three primary colors are John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray.

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.

The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.

You believe that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

You think genitalia is an Italian airline.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You keep empty beer cans in your fridge for your friends that don't drink.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.

You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.

[Cherry_pez]

LMAO at takes a fishing pole to Sea World!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ellanoize]

Billy Joe & John Boy from Tenn. are on vacation fishing in Kentucky-they go into town on the 3rd day for supplies and see a store on the main st. with a sign saying: men's suits-5.00, men's pants-2.50, men's shirts-1.50.

Billy Joe tells John Boy "what a deal! We'll buy as much as we can, take it back home sell it and get rich".

He tells John Boy to let him do the talking, since they might guess where they're from and not do business with them.

Billy Joe goes in and says "I'll take 75 of those suits, 100 pair of pants and 150 shirts-just load them into my pickup out front!.

The KY boy behind the counter says "you boys are from Tennessee, ain't you?

Billy says "how'd you know that?"

The boy says, "this here's a dry cleaners!"

[ellanoize]

When Billy Bob passed away, His wife Bobbie Sue went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries.
The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Bobbie Sue what she would like to say about Billy Bob.

Bobbie Sue replied, "You just put 'Billy Bob died'."

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, asked, "That's it? Just 'Billy Bob died.'?
Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about him. If it's
money you're concerned about, the first six words are free. We must
say something more."

So Bobie Sue pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put, Billy Bob died.
Boat for sale."

[ellanoize]

Bubba and his wife were working in their garden one day and Bubba looks over at his wife and says "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue grill."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue grill!!!" She shook her head, and ignored her husband.

Later that night in bed, Bubba is feeling frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

[img]tongue.gif[/img]

[cherrysmum]

hahahaha*wheezing* hahahahaaaaa...those redneck jokes are just so funny.

[ellanoize]

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt.

So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've got to do something about this!

He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.'

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definately thought he was more than a match for the old guy. 'You're on', he said, 'and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!'

So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.

Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella.

By now the farmer has heard the commotion.
He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead.

He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself..... 'Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.'

[cherrysmum]

hahahaha....love chicken jokes..uh oh...ok Rog bring em on!!!!

[ellanoize]

Red Neck Computer terms....

Hard drive" - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

"Keyboard" - Whare you're supposed to put da keys so da wife can find 'em.

"Window" - Place in the truck to hang your guns.

"Floppy" - When you run out of Polygrip.

"Modem" - How you got rid of your dandelions.

"ROM" - Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.

"Byte" - First word in a kiss-off phrase.

"Reboot" - What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.

"Network" - Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.

"Mouse" - Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.

"LAN" - To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."

"Cursor" - What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.

"Bit" - A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."

"Digital Control" - What yore fingers do on the TV remote.

"Backspace" - The place in back of front seat of the car where you keep a case of beer.

"Rom" - Wander: "Wher' ya goin?" "Ah dunnow. Recon I'll jus rom round"

"Web" - DUH? should be obvious. What spiders make, tickles yer butt when you gotta go while in the woods.

"Edit" - Past tense of "eat" "Wher'd that leftover possum belly go?" " You edit afore you passed out las nite.

"Log On" - Making da wood stove hotter.

"Log Off " - Don't add no wood.

"Monitor" - Keep an eye on da wood stove.

"Microchip" - What's left in da bag when da chips are gone.

"Laptop" - Where da grandkids sit.

"Fonts" - That really cool guy from the show, Happy Days.

[cherrysis]

OH those are great Rog!!! Its nice to know I can always find a reason to laugh THNAKS TO YOU my friend...nothing can ever be that bad with a guy like you around making me chuckle!!! It truly is so nice to have you back full time!!! [img]biggrin.gif[/img]